


fall into you is all i ever do

by SunshineExploder



Series: take this photograph and i'll take this empty frame [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Bad Decisions, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Physical Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships, how does alexander feel well we don't know yet, it'll make more sense from alex's pov, john does bad things and hates himself a lot for it, john lies to himself a lot btw, not super bad at all but it still needs to be tagged, there is nothing okay about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:32:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9347141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineExploder/pseuds/SunshineExploder
Summary: "My memory's hazy and I'm afraid to be alone."--Or: the fic where John loves Alex and still does really shitty things to him and also is Never Sober. Read the first two parts in this series or you won't understand this.





	

Sometimes, John looks out at the snow and remembers the night this all started. He remembers how it felt to be wrapped up in Alexander’s warm, thin body and breathe him in. In John’s mind, it felt true and raw in a way he didn’t really understand. He just knew that once he’d had Alexander like that, he would never let go. Alexander was and is a drug he could never get clean of.

 

That one night became something more. John thinks of what it was like to wake up to black eyes staring at him. He didn’t know how long Alexander had been awake. He caressed the boy’s cheek with rough fingers, kissed him softly. Alexander’s face was lit up in the morning glow, highlighting the hollow of his cheekbones and the tired depth of his eyes. He was beautiful, everything John had ever dreamed of.

 

Why did he let it go this far?

 

It was a bad idea from the start. John should’ve made Alexander leave that morning. He should’ve insisted that what they’d done could never be replicated. He should’ve cut the boy out of his life. It would have been best for both of them. But John is such an intrinsically selfish person and he doesn’t want to let Alexander go. If he had his way, he would wrap Alexander up and keep him close and never let him go. Alexander would be his and no one else’s. It’s a horrible thing to want, to need, but John has never claimed to be good.

 

John’s never wanted anything as much as he wants Alexander. The worst part is that Alexander allows him to indulge. He lets John do anything to him. He bends and folds so nicely and willingly that John can’t help but take and take and take. If only Alexander wasn’t so pliant, so obliging, so submissive, John could walk away. He could leave and do the responsible thing if only Alexander didn’t look at him with those doe eyes and tell John he’ll do anything for him. John is disgusting and he hates himself for it, but he can't say no.

 

Alexander is razor-sharp and clever. He’s got a silver tongue, a mind that never slows down. But he slows down for John. He’ll lay underneath John and make him shiver, no matter what he said earlier. The noises he makes are far more enticing than the things he says normally. Though, John loves listening to Alexander talk. There’s a passion in him that lights something in John. Even so, John would almost rather have the boy on his back and mewling than sitting up and having a conversation.

 

They’re slipping out of control. Something more than lust hangs between them. It’s like they’re a pair of scales, and they both can tell it’s heavier on John’s side. That alone should be enough to make John step back. It’s not a good idea. Recognizing the imbalance should lead to fixing it, but John sort of doesn’t want it to be fixed. He thinks that maybe the imbalance is part of what makes Alexander so sweet and eager. And if Alexander isn’t saying anything about it, doesn’t that mean it’s okay?

 

What’s worse, the people close to them are beginning to notice. John knows Alexander’s parents and friends are getting suspicious, and John isn’t any different. Well, his family couldn’t give less of a damn. But Lafayette and Hercules are not happy with him. They’ve both hounded him about it on numerous occasions. They say about the same things every time. John’s really getting tired of all the bitching.

 

_“Mon ami, you know this will not last. He is far too young for you. This is a very bad idea. Alexander is a nice boy, but that is the issue. He is a boy. A child. You are twenty years old. You are the adult here and you have to act so. Do not let this go on. You are both only going to get more attached, and it is going to be that much harder when you are forced to end this game you’re playing.”_

 

_“This is fucking stupid and you know it. Alex is seventeen, you’re twenty. That’s barely legal. What if his parents find out? You could get sued or they could get a restraining order or something. You can’t keep doing this. He should get to be a kid and enjoy the time he’s got left to be young, and you fucking around with him is really gonna mess him up. I know you care about him, I get that. But if you really care about him, you gotta let him go. You’re both gonna get hurt if you don’t.”_

 

What do they know? They’ve never had Alexander like John has. They haven’t felt what he’s like on the inside and outside. John understands his boy better than anyone. He cares about Alexander, really and truly. It’s the first time he’s felt like this. Even though he knows it’s not a good idea, he can’t stop. When Alexander shares his bed, it’s like things are finally okay. He doesn’t feel so isolated. He doesn’t need to turn to a bottle or a joint to feel anything at all. Being with Alexander makes something in him click.

 

Of course, that doesn’t mean he’s stopped using. He does it with the same frequency, but less intensely. Alexander doesn’t like it when he reeks of substances. Thinks it changes him. John doesn’t really see what he means. All that happens is that memories of time with Alexander get a little more bubbly, a little more blurry. They get a different light. It’s a nice light, one that turns every halting hand on his chest into a body that melts when he touches it.

 

John falls into Alexander like one might fall into an abyss. Alexander is his abyss, really. John is down the rabbit hole and there’s no one who can pull him out. Laf and Hercules can try, but there’s nothing that could drag John away. He’s drunk off Alexander. It’s the best and harshest high he’s ever felt. He could smoke his body weight and he’d never be as gone as Alexander makes him. His boy drives him out of his head in the most beautiful way possible. If that’s wrong, he doesn’t want to be right.

 

Sometimes, though, when clouds cover the moon and Alexander is warm in his arms, he starts to think about it. He never means to, not really. He knows he can’t stop this and he doesn’t even want to. But his boy looks so young in sleep, and it makes John want to push him away. It’s easier when Alexander is awake and holding onto him and telling him everything is okay. When John cries at night, though, no one is there to tell him it’s okay. There’s only ghosts from a different time telling him that men don’t cry.

 

Alexander is always there. He’s a constant, and John needs more constants. Alexander will never leave, will never abandon John. He promised. He swore up and down that he wouldn’t leave John alone. John gave him a choice, see. When Alexander woke up that morning, after he’d gotten up and started getting dressed, John gave him a choice.

 

_“Alexander,” he says from where he’s propped against the wall, still naked and watching._

 

_Alexander looks up. “Yeah? What’s up?”_

 

_John struggles for a moment, wondering how to get the words out. He’s never been good with words. “I’m gonna make a rule, okay? You have to follow it.”_

 

_“Okay?” Alexander looks puzzled, and it twists something in John._

 

_“If this is the only time you’re gonna do this…” He takes a deep breath and his chest still hurts. “Don’t come back. If you come back, this is us now. I’m not-- I can’t-- I won’t give you up again. It’s your choice. Stay away and this never happens again. Come back and I won’t let you go.”_

 

 _Owlish black eyes blink at him in shock. Nothing happens for a moment. They don’t even breathe. Then Alexander is suddenly in his face and kissing him desperately and trying to say something with his body that John wonders if he really understands. It’s like Alexander is using his body to plead with John,_ keep me, please keep me, don’t let me go. _At least, that’s what John gets out of it._

 

_Whatever was happening, it didn’t matter in the end. Alexander came back two days later._

 

Alexander came back. He came back. John was good, he gave him a choice. He didn’t just yank his boy close and keep him there. Alexander came back. Yeah, Alexander doesn’t really get people all that well, but he’s smart enough to make his own decisions. And he decided to come back. He signed the contract and John can’t let him go now. Maybe he loves Alexander, even though he doesn’t think either of them are all that sure what love even is.

 

Maybe love is Alexander giving in to John petting at him and begging for this or that or just one more. Maybe love is John letting Alexander in when he’s hysterical and crying because he’s afraid that someone found out and he doesn’t understand why they don’t want him to be happy. There’s different definitions of love, aren’t there? John knows their bodies love one another. Maybe their hearts love one another, too. But when he feels around in his chest, there’s cut wires and broken circuits all over the place. Something doesn’t work, so maybe his love doesn’t work.

 

They talk, too, don’t get him wrong. It’s not all just carnality, though carnality is a big part of it. Sex with Alexander is transcendent and he would never stop when he wants it, definitely not to talk. However, in quieter moments, John likes laying his head in Alexander’s lap and just listening to him go on about what he loves. What he wants to do when he graduates high school. He talks about going to the same college as John, living with him when he moves out. It’s a fantasy that makes John smile.

 

He doesn’t know how long they’re going to last. Alexander talks about them like he doesn’t want them to end. John likes that, likes that his boy has no plans on leaving him. It makes him feel secure. According to Alexander, he’ll never be alone. He’ll never have to go without his favorite drug. Even if Alexander did want to go, John isn’t sure he’d let him. He wants to hold on. He already has Alexander in a tight grip because he can’t bear to lose him. After all, Alexander had a choice. John gave him that choice, he’ll always fall back on that. John didn’t force him to stay. There was a choice.

 

Alexander has only threatened to leave him once. Only once, because of how it ended.

 

_John throws his alarm clock against the wall. “What the fuck, Alex, what the fuck are you on about? There’s nothing wrong with me!”_

 

_He’s fine, John’s fine, Alexander is just being fucking pushy. He’s seventeen, he can’t tell John what the fuck to do. So John’s screaming and this is his apartment, the apartment Alexander helped pick out and move him into, it’s his place and he doesn’t have to do what Alexander says. Alexander, who is nagging him about drinking for the millionth fucking time. He’s like a broken record about it and John is so pissed._

 

_Alexander has himself pressed into a corner, but he’s still yelling right back at John. “You’re completely wasted, you idiot! That’s what’s wrong with you! When’s the last time I saw you and you were totally stone-cold sober, huh? You have a problem, John!"_

 

_Fuck this fuck this fuck this. John whirls around on Alexander, grabs his arm and yanks him out of the corner. He’s so mad and his body is acting before he can think about it, but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care because Alexander is wrong._

 

_“I don’t have a problem! You’re the one with the fucking problem! You chose to stay, you said I’m all you need. Now you won’t stop bitching at me to change! You’re just like my dad, I’m not fucking good enough for either of you, am I?” he screams in Alexander’s face. John shakes his boy, hard enough to jerk his head back. “Fucking answer me!”_

 

_As he’s screaming, Alexander is shoving and slapping at his chest. “Let go of me!” His voice cracks and he sounds like a strange mix of terrified and furious. “Let go of me, you’re hurting me! Fuck off, John!” And John is too big for him to move, but John can and does push him away._

 

_John sneers. “What, you don’t want me now? You don’t want me if I don’t act just how you like? That’s fucking bullshit, Alex, you don’t get to pick and choose what you like and not want the rest! You stay for all of me or you get the fuck out!”_

 

_He’s bluffing, he doesn’t want Alexander to go, no matter how mad he is. But Alexander glares at him and those black eyes are freezing cold. “Fine. Sit here and drink yourself to death for all I care. I’ll get the fuck out.”_

 

_No, that’s not what John wants. That’s not what he wants at all. He goes from standing and pissed to falling to his knees and tearing up. Alexander is grabbing his bag and turning to go and John’s voice is suddenly so small when he says, “Don’t go, Alex. You said you wouldn’t leave.”_

 

_His throat hurts and his face is red and blotchy. He runs a hand through his matted curls, tugs sharply to feel something real. His other hand rakes ragged nails down his arm so hard that blood wells up. Then Alexander is there and holding him close and pulling his hands away from his body._

 

_“Shh, shh, John. I’m not leaving, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I won’t leave. I told you I won’t leave. Please don’t hurt yourself, please don’t cry. John, please, I don’t like it when you cry.”_

 

_But John cries anyway because he doesn’t know what he’d do if Alexander left. He’s drunk, he knows he is, it makes his boy sad. He doesn’t like it when his boy is sad. And he cries for that, too, because he made Alexander sad and shook him too hard and he didn’t mean to, he was just so mad, he didn’t want to hurt him._

 

_Apparently he’s managing to choke this all out past the tears because Alexander pets his hair and kisses his hot forehead and says, “It’s okay, you didn’t mean to. You didn’t mean to. Please don’t cry, I love you, everything is okay. I’m not sad, see? It’s gonna be okay.”_

 

_It’s not, though. John just cries harder_

  
That was the one time Alexander threatened to leave. He hasn’t done it since. They don’t talk about that night, or the other nights when John gets drunk and angry screams and then cries. It’s not good, John knows it’s not good. He knows that there’s nothing okay about how they are. But Alexander is his, his drug, his boy. Alexander gave himself to John. He can’t take that back. And John hates himself so much for it, cries about it at night, but he still knows he’ll never let Alexander go.

**Author's Note:**

> It's the sequel that one person asked for and even they probably weren't prepared for this mess. I will be writing Alexander's POV for this and it will probably also be a mess that hurts more to read than this.
> 
> For the record: everything John does is a horrible idea. He loves Alex as much as he can, but he's so weirdly emotionally twisted that it comes out in this way. That doesn't make anything he does okay. John loves Alex, but that does NOT make anything he does even the slightest bit okay. He's a complicated person and I don't want to totally condemn him, but he is doing really really shitty things and it's bad and I'm not trying to glamorize it. This is a really bad relationship, and that isn't changed because John loves Alex or because John is super fucked up and shouldn't really be allowed to make his own decisions. It's still inexcusable and wrong.
> 
> Title and summary are from Because I Want You by Placebo.
> 
> This is unedited like everything in my fucking life.
> 
> Comments and kudos fuel me to continue writing shit like this. And shit that's better than this shit.


End file.
